VGC 2018 Update: TPCI to change turn timer to an "8 Mississippi count"

San Francisco, CA - In a rule update published earlier this morning, TPCI has announced a change to the turn timer for all VGC 2018 events. Rather than using a chess timer like in VGC 2017, VGC 2018 will instead use an "8 Mississippi count" to enforce the turn timer. In the post, the organizer of VGC competitions for TPCI stated "We felt that the old system using a chess timer was too complicated and led to too many long battles. This new system is far simpler. If your opponent can say '1 Mississippi, 2 Mississippi...' etc all the way up to 8 Mississippi before you finish your turn, then you will be given a game loss, it's as simple as that!"

This change has been met with mixed emotions from VGC players. Some, such as Timothy S. from PA, welcome the change. Tim wrote in a youtube comment "I really like this change, I'm not very good at pokemon, but I can say Mississippi really fast so this change should give me a bit of an advantage." Others, such as Matthew P from Alaska are not so welcoming of the change. Matthew posted his feelings in a 18 tweet long twitter thread and said "This is ridiculous on so many levels, they are taking the skill out of pokemon away and making the game more about the timer. Plus this system is totally unfair to people with speech impediments and non-americans who do not routinely say the word 'Mississippi' in sentences such as 'Well our state may be bad, but at least we aren't Mississippi!'. Furthermore, I fear that this change will lead to people cheating and saying 'Miss Hippie' instead of 'Mississippi' as it is much faster to say.".

Matthew, however, added that he still prefers this system to the VGC 2017 timer, "That thing was a disaster!" he exclaimed.

SHOCKING REVEAL: "I was never even a little bit sorry for the hax" says former world champion in breathtaking tell-all book

New York, NY - We've just received an early copy of the upcoming book "Art of the Steal: When to Click Swagger" and it just as startling as we could've imagined! The VGC tell-all book, written by a former world champion, even includes a particularly interesting story proving what we have all suspected, but never could prove: he was never actually sorry about the hax.

The former world champion, writing under the pseudonym Randall N. Giovanni, writes "Contrary to all the claims I may have previously made, I was never even a little bit sorry for the hax. And it's not even because I'm some sort of unapologetic psychopath either, like I still wake up in the middle of the night feeling bad about that one time I ran over a bunny with my car a few years ago, but this was totally different!"

He goes on to explain that this feeling was habitual, not a one-off lack of remorse "When it comes to the hax, I never once thought about the pain you must've felt when you got flinched three times consecutively from my rock slides. All I ever remember is the feeling of intense joy from me clicking the rock slide button in a game I should've lost and being rewarded! And while I may feel bad when I see people getting haxed in other games that I am not playing in, it's totally different when it comes to my games. I remember every time I hit the swagger button and you hit the "hit yourself" button with great pleasure and no remorse!". The writer even goes on to reveal that he never meant it when he said "good luck" before starting the match

"The Art of the Steal: When to Click Swagger" Will be available at a bookstore near you this Holiday 2017

Report: Local senior beat you on Pokemon Showdown last week

Gretna, NE - We have an intriguing development from a local midseason showdown: A local senior clams to have beaten you on Pokemon Showdown last week. The senior, whose name you never bothered to actually to learn, was heard boasting "Oh yeah, I was so excited when I saw I got paired up against you! I totally read your switch turn 3 and punished with an ice beam and from there on it was smooth sailing." When asked for his Pokemon Showdown account, the senior explained "I can't reveal what account I was using, it was a super secret alt and I still need to use that team and alt to practice for an upcoming regional.". He later went on to clarify that the team he used wasn't a gimmick and that his win was totally legit and skill based, with no hax at all.

When pressed as to how many times he had to face you before finally leaving with a victory, the senior declined comment and requested that all further questions be forwarded to his mother.

QUIZ: What Haxy Pokemon Move Are You?

QUIZ: What Haxy Pokemon Move Are You?

BREAKING NEWS: President Trump Authorizes Guantanamo Bay as Punishment for Team Sheet Errors

Washington D.C. - President Trump took yet another radical step to fulfill his campaign promise to clean up our VGC tournaments as he signed an executive order earlier this morning authorizing the use of Guantanamo Bay as punishment for players who make an error on their team sheet. This move comes following the President's comments earlier this week at a campaign rally held in your racist uncle's backyard. There, trump said "When players send in their team sheets, they’re not sending their best," he continued "They’re sending team sheets that have lots of problems, and they’re bringing those problems with us. They’re bringing stat errors, they’re bringing the wrong nature, they’re misspelling their pokemon names. And some, I assume, are good pokemon sets."

At the press conference announcing this executive order, Attorney General Jeff Sessions explained "A tournament that does not enforce its rules is not a tournament at all. This is not a discriminatory act, we have no problems with the players at VGC tournaments, we just need to ensure that they submit their team sheets in accordance to the laws of our great tournaments."

In addition to this order, it is expected that by the end of the week President Trump will sign an executive order removing a key Obamacare provision that granted mental health care to low-income moody smeargles.

Top 8 People Who Made Cut At The PC Over Me

As if getting haxed out, going x-2 and bubbling at 9th at a PC wasn't bad enough, just take a look at these doofuses that are in top cup over me.

8: That one kid I totally destroyed round 1

What the heck? How did THAT guy make top cut over me? I double 4-0'd him and he had the nerve to bring a koko weak team to an actual VGC event. How did the rest of you guys let him get into top cut? Apparently the fact that my r2 opponent went 1-4 and his went 2-3 is enough for the TOM gods to put him in top 8 over me. Thanks Obama

7: That one obnoxious kid who recently aged up from seniors

Oh great, that one obnoxious guy who just aged up made it into cut. It was so annoying when he was going 3-0 against seniors and acting like he was hot shit, but to see him have ANY success in masters is just frustrating! I probably won't hear the end of this for a long time. I quickly dismiss any thoughts that he could actually be a good player, he's just an annoying kid!

6: My friend's mom

Ok, I can't even be mad about this one! She brought cookies to the PC and it's awesome that she's joining in on the fun of playing at a PC! Maybe the world isn't so bad after all!

5: That one kid who only uses Lillikoal

Scratch that, the world is hell, literally scorched by the sun. The mere thought of Lillikoal doing well fills me with dread, and these thoughts would probably keep me up at night if they ever missed a sleep powder. I thought there's no way he'd bring Lillikoal again after going 1-4 last week, but alas he still chose to press the only buttons he knew how. Why can't other people run teams with a great Lillikoal matchup and beat him so I can get away with running my team that just lazily doesn't care about it!

4: The guy who thinks he is better than me

Great, not only am I going to have to deal with the misery of not making top cut, but I’m also going to have to deal with this guy coming up to me and saying "Oh you didn't cut? That's too bad, I did. Maybe you can cut next time!". I can tell he thinks me his lesser just by his condescending tone and the fact that he always brings up that one time he beat me at an unsanctioned PC 2 years ago. At least he has to deal with Lillikoal guy in round 1.

3: Who?

Does anybody know who this guy is? I've never seen his name before and I don't see anyone unfamiliar. Maybe there was a typo or something. In any case, he went x-1 so good for him I guess, but I really want to know who he is. How can I demean him in order to ease my sorrows if I don't know anything about him?

2: The guy who actually is better than me

Damn it, can't this guy take like a week off or something and let someone else win? He has won the past 3 PCs and I bet he only lost in the last round because he didn't want to reveal any information. And everyone thinks he's better looking than I am too but that's NOT true! Plus I beat him 3 months ago in a trainer tower tour so he probably isn't even better than me!

1: That guy whose team is a total gimmick

Unbelievable! That guy with the gimmick team went undefeated! My team even has a great matchup against his gimmick. If I would have played him, my tactics certainly would've won, there is no way he had hidden tech for my answer or had other ways to win without his gimmick. Now he might even win this PC just because the schedule gods decided to not let me face him and instead made me only play my team's worst matchup: Arcanine-Garchomp.

Heartbreaking! 93% of low income children never told not to use Tapu Bulu

Whether it be outsourcing, corporate consolidation, automation, or wage stagnation relative to essentials such as houses or education, changes in the economy have devastated the poorest among us. This has been especially hard on low income children, these children often do not have access to adequate food, education, or shelter. These children are often forced to fend for themselves as their parents struggle to make ends meet. Among all these terrible consequences, none capture the true severity of their situation as badly as one striking fact: 93% of low income children are never told not to use Tapu Bulu

Everyday, these poor children consider using Tapu Bulu without being told that it is weak to intimidate, and has an especially poor matchup against the best intimidator in the format. These children never hear that Tapu Bulu is walled by half the meta, and hit super effectively by nearly 80% of the meta. In the worst of situations, these children will put Tapu Bulu on their team to try to cover a large ground weakness, only because they were never told by a strong role model about how this reliance on Tapu Bulu can lead to your team being destroyed by a stray poison jab from things like Garchomp, or teams that can easily reset terrain while threatening bulu.

It doesn't have to be like this though! There are many charities dedicated to teaching children to resist the allure of using the powerful grassy terrain to add bulk to their team or reduce damage from other Tapus. These organizations present the drawbacks of using Tapu Bulu in an honest way that allows these kids to make intelligent choices about their own Tapu Bulu usage. They teach kids about how Kartana can often offer the same sort of grass offense as Tapu Bulu while being able to use its speed and typing to do things Tapu Bulu cannot. These organizations however are vastly overworked and underfunded, and the problem will only continue to get worse as the economy becomes worse for the poorest among us. We need to take action as a community, and work together to help these kids

Oh no! You got paired with a junior this round at the PC! Can you escape with your dignity intact?

Oh no! You got paired with a junior this round at the PC! Can you escape with your dignity intact?

Report: Local player starts saying "win condition" all the time for some reason

Findlay, OH - An intriguing story has been developing at a local premier challenge as one player was overheard using the phrase "win condition" for some reason, in various different contexts. Sources close to the situation overhead the player in question state "I just couldn't find my win condition that game!" and "My win condition went so poorly in game 2!". When pressed, some sources expressed that the suspect could have in fact said "wind conditioner" or "bin audition", they couldn't be certain given the context. In any case, we will keep you updated on this potentially groundbreaking story.

Rumors that the player has also started saying "board position" or "momentum" in confusing contexts have remained unconfirmed.

This Quiz Will Tell You That Your Favorite Pokemon Set is a Gimmick

This Quiz will tell you that your favorite pokemon set is a Gimmick

Top 5 People Who Actually Care About How You Got Haxed Out Last Round (Number 3 will make you cry!)

Every VGC player has been there, whether its rock slide flinches, muddy water accuracy drops or draco misses, everyone has been on the wrong side of a haxy loss. When this happens, it’s natural to seek out comfort from our caring companions, hoping they will share in the misery of how our opponent won the speed tie and didn’t miss any of his rock slides. But, every tournament, dozens of VGC player’s lamentations fall on deaf ears as so called “friends” don’t even care about how your opponent actually had the nerve to run discharge koko with no electric resists and get double full para. Instead, they will just stand there blankly, awkwardly pretending to listen, waiting for your sad story to come to an end. But with the help of this guide, that will never happen to you again! Here are the top 5 people to go to who are guaranteed to offer comfort and validation in your time of need


5: Your mom



She may not know what a win condition is, and she has never felt the horrors of getting double frozen by blizzard, but rest assured your mom is a sure bet to care about your hax story. The way your cheeks bunch up and the pitch of your voices raises when you describe how your opponent got 3 consecutive critical hits with scope lens kartana just reminds her that you’re still the same little boy or girl who cried when you found out you couldn’t be a fire truck when you grow up. She will offer plenty of compliments, and assure you that you are a skilled player and also handsome despite any evidence to the contrary.

If you are unfortunate enough to not be able to call your mom after a match, then have no fear! You can just call my mom and tell her you’re my friend, she will surely listen. That woman is a saint and is loving towards anyone and plus she’ll be so excited that I actually have a friend she will certainly hear you out on all your tribulations (especially if you sound like a girl on the phone).

4: That guy who also got haxed out last round (and every other round of every other tournament ever)




You can spot him from a mile away, just look for the guy talking loudly to a small group of people who are making extreme efforts to not make any eye contact with the person, silently pleading for anyone to come up and talk to them and free them from this unlucky person’s tale of woe. He will listen to your stories and sorrows, but be sure to keep it brief, because after 15 seconds he will quickly interject about how he only lost because his opponent thawed out turn 1 from an ice beam freeze. I recommend the hit and run strategy here, quickly vent out your hax related sadness and then pretend you have to use the restroom or something.


3: Mr Fred Rogers



Perhaps the most encouraging person of all time, Mr Fred Rogers truly cares about how you got haxed out last round. Like your mom, he may not have the in-depth knowledge of pokemon, but that won’t stop him from offering you genuine encouragement that makes your life seem worth living again. He will ensure you that it is not your fault, that sometimes life isn’t fair but if we can’t brush off the times when life isn’t fair then we won’t be able to truly appreciate the magical moments of life when everything works out! And he will say it in such a way that you will actually believe it!


If you don’t know who Mr Rogers is, then you are probably a cancerous senior, but that’s not your fault! You can still change and become a productive member of VGC society, your past behavior doesn’t have to define your future accomplishments. Every day is a new and today you have the opportunity to be something special! At least that’s what Mr Rogers would say, I however would just tell you that you are garbage and ask you to please stop talking to me.


2: The guy who beat you earlier (and is relying on you for resistance)



Definitely the most passionate encourager of the bunch, the guy who beat you earlier will stop at nothing to encourage you and ensure you play at your best until the second this tournament is over. He will offer you weapons-grade encouragement, ensuring that you can still make top cut, top 16, top 32 or whatever position he thinks will make you keep winning. Even if you’re 0-3, he will still encourage you to play out the rest of your matches because you can still cut! Maybe the laws of mathematics change and 3 losses will become less than 0 losses before the tournament is over! Be especially weary of these people though, because their intentions are not pure! If the tournament ends and you don’t provide them with a satisfactory resistance, they will quickly reverse that passion and tell you that you are a garbage player who should quit VGC, much like that “Nice guy” who quickly will call a girl a slut as soon as she rejects his advances.

1: Your Girlfriend



Haha just kidding! You just spent the greater part of the last half hour telling everyone how you never get lucky! You are definitely single!

About The Klinklang Times

This blog is where I will post Pokemon VGC satire (ala the onion or clickhole) when I feel like it. Nothing on this website should be taken seriously except the statement "Nothing on this webstie should be taken seriously except the statement "...... " ".